my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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