there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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