At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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