I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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