Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
