The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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