I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
