Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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