I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am available for nakedness
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