I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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