I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
