She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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