You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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