I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
