just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
