I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
