I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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