Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
