my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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