Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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