dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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