Im at strip club and am horny
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
