Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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