what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize