I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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