My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
