He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
