life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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