i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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