Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
