woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
