i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
