eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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