Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize