dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the day after is always just damage control
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
