mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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