Well apparently he's into motor boating.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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