I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
