i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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