my phone needs a breathalizer
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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