It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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