the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
