there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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