Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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