I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
