I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
