this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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