I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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