So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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