Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
