you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
