Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
its liver damage thursday
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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