Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
