ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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