I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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