You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
where are my eyebrows?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize