mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
