Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
