What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
