I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
