how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
